Time to Let Go and Move On

All things eventually come to an end, not just the bad ones.  And so does this story. 

Earthquakes weren’t the only natural disaster standing in the way of my wedding.  The night of my bachelorette party was a literal washout.  Yes, a tropical storm blew through that evening, cancelling my bachelorette party and flooding my house.  I know what you’re thinking…an earthquake, a hurricane…what else could possibly go wrong?  The funny part is, that’s not where the trouble ended at all, it’s where it started.  The biggest natural disaster of all was the groom himself. 

A week later, just days before the wedding, started as a really exciting day.  It was my rescheduled bachelorette party and we were all excited for the wedding, only 2 days away.  After 2.5 years, it was finally here.  Mr. Wrong decided that since I was having my first, and only, bachelorette party, he was entitled to another one.  It turns out his solo trip to that tropical island only one month prior wasn’t enough; he needed one at home too.  I remember asking him not to, telling him I had a bad feeling, but SURPRISE, he didn’t care.  And so he went, and I did too.  I wouldn’t hear from him again until the next afternoon, hours after he was supposed to pick me up for our rehearsal.  He was nowhere to be found. 

As my family and I scrambled to decide what to do next, since my wedding venue was hours away from home, I decided to check my voicemail.  There it was – 1 missed call.  I didn’t recognize the number, how would I though?  I don’t normally receive calls from the city jail.  And that is where the story should have ended, but it didn’t. 

Mr. Wrong had been arrested the night before, for reasons I’m still not sure of, in the classiest part of town.  No one bothered to call me, not a friend, no one.  Instead, his friends and family left him in jail, and traveled to the wedding venue.  My family, complete strangers to him, all went down to central booking to bail out my soon-to-be-groom.  They literally traveled 7,000 miles to bail him out of jail, how horrifying and embarrassing.  Words simply can’t do it justice.  Where was his family you might ask?  They were in a party bus on their way to the venue.  As his brother told me, “Please don’t tell my mother, we don’t want to ruin her day.”  Glad we got that cleared up!  Here I thought it was MY day.  Well, she did eventually find out, and she wasn’t upset at all, but the rest of his family never knew…well until now, that is.

Anyway, why everyone thought to travel to the wedding venue with the groom in jail is beyond me, then again, I bailed him out of jail hours before our wedding day and married him.  I suppose neither were good ideas.  I married him because I loved him, and I married him because I believe that sometimes people make mistakes and deserve second chances.  So, like he told me later that night at the hotel, “If you love me, you’ll forgive me.”  And I did.  It wasn’t the wedding day I imagined, and certainly nothing I had planned, but we made the best of it.  The wedding went on flawlessly.  Sounds like a happy ending right?  Wrong again!

Seven months after I bailed him out of jail and we got married, on Easter no less, he walked out and never came back.  And that is where that story ends, but not mine.  This is just one short, dramatic, and horrible chapter, but it’s not the end for me, it’s the beginning.  I’m not quite sure what it’s the beginning of, but here’s to hoping!   

AND….that’s all she wrote!!

P.S. Thank you for reading my blog.  I wish you all well, and a pleasant walk down whatever aisle you choose!

Earthquake

Continuing with the trend of bad omens.....

The picture above references the MD/VA earthquake that occurred on August 23, 2011 at 1:51pm, otherwise known as right in the middle of work bridal shower. 

Though it was a seemingly harmless little earthquake, its meaning was quite impactful.  If you're from the U.S. East Coast you know how rare these events are in our part of the country.  If you're from the West Coast, please continue laughing. 

Earthquakes literally NEVER happen in our region, and I emphasize the word NEVER.  But, it did happen on this day.  Why?  Scientists have their complex explanations, and I have mine.  It's pretty darn simple - it was my bridal shower, that's why.  The universe was trying to tell me not to do it!  The earth physically moved, as if to say, "Don't do it!!"  Did I listen?  No!  Apparently, I'm that dense; not even the earth shifting could stop me, though I do remember looking at everyone in my department and saying, "Well, if this isn't a sign I don't know what is."  Just to confirm -- I was right! 

So, the lesson to learn here is -- if the earth literally shakes at the thought of you getting married, maybe you should reconsider (unless you're from the west coast, then keep on walking up that aisle)!  

P.S. I know I said I don't believe in signs, but this is an exception to the rule :)

Murphy's Law

Some people believe in omens, the evil eye, and so many other superstitions.  I think I did too, until now.  The truth is, there are signs around us all the time, and we interpret them to suit our own needs or feelings at the time. 

The theme of my wedding, and the summer that preceded it, was Murphy’s Law. Everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong.  There were signs everywhere telling me something wasn’t quite right.  I’m an event planner; I know things go wrong, so I shrugged it aside.  I let myself believe others when they told me, “These things happen to everyone, it’s not a sign.”  Maybe they were right, maybe it wasn’t a sign.  Maybe it was me interpreting these normal calamities as bad omens because somewhere I knew something wasn’t right.  At the time, I didn’t know what was really wrong. Every relationship requires a leap of faith and trust in the other individual involved.  I realize now there’s nothing I could have done to get him to admit the truth.  You can’t make someone be honest with you if they can’t be honest with themselves first.  I didn’t know the truth then, and I don’t really know it now, but it doesn’t much matter anymore. 

Here are just a few of the signs I interpreted as bad omen or bad luck, but in reality, it’s just life.  You apply whatever meaning you want to “signs.”  Sometimes you hit the mark, and sometimes the dart hits the wall.  The point is, don’t be alarmed if any of these happen to you as you plan your wedding….they’re really not bad omens; they’re just part of a good story now :)

1. My dress came in the wrong size….though the bridal shop insisted I had simply “gained weight”....well, after one week of not eating after surgery guess who proved them wrong!
2. My veil arrived in the wrong color and style.
3. My dress was tightened instead and busted at the seams two weeks before my wedding.
4. The wedding planner quit 3 months before the wedding and moved to another state (he must've seen the signs too, lol)
5. The rings were incorrectly inscribed.
6. My engagement ring broke.
7. My MOH…..well she’s another story.

You’ll have to keep reading for the remaining signs!  Yes, these are just the small details.  There’s much more to this story than these seemingly meaningless mishaps that are mere mole hills compared to the mountain I was about to crash into...I know, I'm a tease!

**Note: Signs 1-3 can be attributed to a crappy dress shop I will not mention….but their initials are BR :)

A few examples of Murphy's Law: (images courtesy of Pinterest)

The Hangover Part III

Though I haven't quite gotten to this point in the story yet, I can't quite help but remember what this weekend means.  Just a little teaser of what lies ahead...

Happy Labor Day weekend everyone! 

It's Not Me, It's You

Relationship advice is full of contradictions.  Some relationship articles will tell you that failing to take responsibility for one’s actions is a huge red flag.  Meanwhile, turn the page and the next article explains that no one is perfect, and relationships are a constant work in progress, so stand by your man.  With so many contradictory pieces of advice, it’s hard to know which to believe.  I believe there is a saying for every situation, and that is the most confusing part about choosing which advice to take.  Unfortunately, this means we often have to live through situations in order to look back and decide which advice we should’ve taken.    

Example: A few months before the wedding, Mr. Wrong dropped our brand new couch off a truck and onto moving traffic on the highway (yes, this is a true story).

My response: Seriously?!  You seriously dropped my couch on the highway? Why would you pick up a couch on an open-bed truck and NOT properly secure it.  No, really? WHY?!

His response: I can’t believe you’re angry, you should be thankful I’m ok!

Me: Clearly you’re ok, you’re on the phone talking to me… unlike my couch scattered all over the highway!! Why?  Because he couldn’t be bothered to pay attention or take the 5 extra minutes (or $20 extra dollars) to secure the couch when he could be out playing sports instead... and because he ignored my advice to have it delivered.

The problem with this scenario, and so many others, is that he never took responsibility for his actions.  It was always someone else’s fault; his actions were merely a reaction to MY actions, and so on.  He never sad, "I was wrong, I’m sorry", or "that was mean, I’m sorry for saying that".  No, it was always I said this because you said this first.  Oh, ok, we’re in the first grade, I forgot.  No matter what the situation, it was always my fault HE messed up, and to make matters worse he never failed to make me feel guilty for how I felt.  Yes, perhaps I should have been thankful, but maybe he could have been CAREFUL too.   

The problem with men that don’t take responsibility for their actions is that they’re usually also manipulative and immature.  If you find yourself in this situation, forget every piece of relationship advice you’ve ever heard.  It will lead you nowhere, I promise.  Don’t stand by your man, or any of that other crap.  Yes, relationships are hard work and no one is perfect, but take it from someone who’s been there – If he can’t take responsibility for his actions, you’re in this relationship alone…and it does take two to tango (see, like I said, there's a saying for every situation).    

Wisdom…or Lack Thereof!

As wedding planning continued, my life plan continued to wander off course.  It wasn’t a major distraction, but a little unexpected bump in the road when I already had one million things going on – school, work, wedding planning, etc…. Nevertheless, one week before starting my new job and a few short months before the wedding, I finally had my wisdom teeth removed.  It wasn’t the most convenient timing, but I remember the surgeon saying, “It's better to do it now, than to have this ruin your wedding day or honeymoon.”  Not being able to stand the thought that something could potentially ruin my big day, I went for it.  “Nothing is going to stand it my way”, I thought, “Take them out now!!”  …And with my teeth, whatever wisdom they carried was removed too. 

I wish I had the foresight to tell my doctor that my teeth weren’t the cause of my disastrous wedding day, far from it!  I would’ve gladly dealt with that pain, in comparison to the blow I actually received.  Despite all my efforts to prevent the perfect storm, I couldn’t.  I removed every foreseeable caution, including a few annoying teeth, but I had no clue that would prove to be the least of my worries.  In hindsight, I realize, there were signs during the experience that should’ve predicted our future.  But, who am I kidding?  I was too doped up to notice that my fiancée didn’t bother to visit me the whole week I was home recovering.  I should have, but I didn’t. 

Goodbye teeth….goodbye wisdom….hello bad decision and poor judgment! 

The Wedding Party

It’s occurred to me that my last few posts have wandered away from the wedding timeline.  I suppose that’s because I’ve been too wrapped up in the present; so, let’s get back to the story.  We rejoin my wedding misadventure at the bridal party debacle! 

American tradition dictates that the bridal party is one of the most important parts of a wedding; it’s right up there with the guest list.  In my culture, there is no bridal party - similar to English tradition, only children precede the bride up the aisle.  So when it came time to choose a bridal party, I didn’t really feel the need to have one.  I, of course, lost this battle…like most battles.  My future ex-husband absolutely had to have one, so I agreed.  A small price to pay, right?  Wrong, AGAIN.  It was more drama than I care to remember, and yet so fitting given the outcome of that entire experience. 

Mr. Wrong chose his groomsmen, and I chose my girls.  Together, we chose the remaining important figures – ring bearer, flower girl, and readers.  It was, what I thought, the perfect balance between his family and mine.  Both sides were equally represented and everyone was included in some way throughout the ceremony -- vital mistake.  I forgot that for my future ex, his family was twice as important as mine and therefore, the equation was not truly balanced.  I had too many people in the wedding party, at least that’s what his mother convinced him.  And so, she proceeded to remove all of my family members from the wedding party and replace them with her own.  She all but removed me from the bridal party…I think that was probably her goal!

She replaced my flower girl for her granddaughter, who was literally taller than me!  My 8 year-old ring bearer was replaced by her 13 year-old grandson, the height of my 6’ tall groom.  The readers we had both chosen were also replaced, and of course she changed the processional to include her walk down with aisle MY husband.  I tried to politely explain that WE had already made our decisions and invited each person to participate in the wedding and it was too late to change.  Did she care?  NOPE.  Instead she insisted that it wasn’t that big a deal, and that I should just by her granddaughter a dress, flowers, etc. and surrender.  To make matters worse, she had already told her granddaughter that she would be the flower girl, only to make me feel like a bigger b****.  Did Mr. Wrong care or interject at any point?  NOPE.  Why?  He would rather upset me than his mother.  He insisted she should have what she wanted.  I should’ve just walked away and let them have their dream wedding without me.  Now I realize it’s what they wanted all along, but I didn’t.  I stayed and fought, convinced that good relationships are about compromise.  I compromised a lot, mostly myself, for someone that never seemed to understand it’s not a compromise if I’m the only one constantly making them.  In the end, I claimed the victory for this battle, but I most definitely lost the war. 

Bad Decision – 1, Mr. Wrong – 200.      

In Love with a Robot

I read a lot of articles, and I do mean A LOT of articles, on a daily basis.  Many of them are pretty similar, with a sentence of two of good advice.  On rare occasions, such as this one, I find an article that hits so incredibly close to home, I could've written in myself.  The article below is one of them.  So I thought I would share it instead of posting today because it's basically my story in someone else's very eloquent words.  Enjoy!

http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2012/04/16/gaslighting-by-omission/

Great Expectations

I’ve always been one to believe that anything worth having doesn’t come easy, and the best things in life are worth fighting for.  In fact, that was the central thought behind my relationship and why I put up with as much as I did.  I don’t believe in perfection, but I do believe in striving for it.  My soon-to-be ex-husband would tell you that nothing is ever good enough for me, but that’s not true.  I’m sadly very easily satisfied, but I don’t accept less if I know something can be better.  I expected the same in my relationship.  Why settle for mediocrity when you know you can have greatness?  The problem is, you can’t expect greatness from someone that cares about nothing.  Well, I suppose that’s a harsh generalization.  Mr. Wrong didn’t care about nothing; he just didn’t care about anything related to me.  He certainly cared a lot about himself, his mom, his friends, and having a good time at all costs.  And in the end, it cost him a lot.  But again, he couldn’t be bothered to care about that either. 

The point is – the picture above is right.  Don’t let others tell you that your expectations are too high.  They’re only telling you because they’re either not capable or willing to meet them.  As my great friend always says, “It’s in setting your standards too low that you get less than what you deserve.” 

Passive Aggressive?

As I sat down, thinking about which soap opera event occurred next, I was reminded of a question my brother recently asked me – “Was he passive.”  It took me a minute to answer his question, as it had never actually occurred to me to describe him that way.  Mind you, I’ve used lot of words to describe him, but that’s one characteristic I was completely unaware of until my brother brought it to my attention.  In reflecting on the relationship, and doing a little research (like the nerd I am), I came upon this great article that described the “passive aggressive male” far better than I ever could, and coincidentally it describes Mr. Wrong, oh so right!

Enjoy the article, and if you happen upon the passive aggressive male, observe him in his natural environment, but don’t ever put your hand in the cage. 

Secrets, secrets are no fun….

And I was never a part of one! 

Summer brings back so many fond memories of tropical vacations….not mine of course, but my other half’s constant solo trips.  The other day as I sifted through old memories, I found a bracelet from one of his first trips without me.  A sweet little reminder of the time he went away to enjoy a lovely week in the islands with his friends…only his friends never made it.  Turns out, the friend he was meeting was already there.  In fact, he stayed at her house, instead of the hotel I was misled to believe he booked.  It didn’t even occur to him to tell me where he was staying.  Well, in hindsight, I believe it did occur to him, but he purposely left out that small detail.  If you have something to hide, odds are you probably know you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.  He didn’t bother to tell me he would be staying at HER house, while vacationing alone on a tropical island.  Why would he? He’s a man, and didn’t need my permission.  WRONG!  If any man ever tells you that, he’s manipulating you.  You have every right to know and ask, and you have every right to be angry if you’re not comfortable with it.  Don’t ever let any man tell you that your feelings are wrong, or manipulate you into believing you’re jealous and controlling if you think it’s wrong that he’s vacationing “alone” and staying with a “girl friend.”  It’s not about asking for permission, it’s about having respect for your partner, and NEVER let him convince you otherwise.  Remember, if he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, he wouldn’t have waited until he landed to tell you where he was actually staying.  You don’t want to find out that way. 

Normal?

They say that men who treat their mothers well, also treat their wives well.  Don’t fall for it.   While it is true to an extent, be very weary of the mother/son relationship.  In my experience, men who put their mothers on a pedestal often don’t have room for a wife.  There is a HUGE difference between the mother/son relationship, and the husband/wife relationship.  Rest assured, some men don't understand the difference.  I know; I married one!  It’s a losing battle, and you won’t win.  You either resign yourself to accepting the relationship, or you run.  If you’re not on the same page as to what a normal mother/son relationship looks like, don’t even bother.  You can explain it until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t change his mind.  In my relationship, he came first, his mother second, friends third, and I was lucky to come in fourth.  In fact, I was dead last.  I’m pretty sure even laundry had a higher place on the totem pole than I did. 

Here are some scenarios I felt awfully uncomfortable with, but he couldn’t understand why they were wrong.  If you have some of your own, please share!

1. In Church, she would sit beside him and give him back and shoulder rubs.

2. At family events, she would make sure I knew she came first.  She would constantly hug and kiss him, and did everything possible to make me feel uncomfortable.

3. She would spend family holidays sharing stories about his childhood and their amazing relationship (mind you, she has 3 other children).

4. If he was with me, she would always find a way to get him into the other room or away from me.

5. If he made plans with me, instead of her, she would make him feel bad for “abandoning her.” And he would actually cancel plans with me to spend more time with her, even though they LIVED together. 

6. Guilt, guilt, and more guilt.

7. She would “kindly” insult me in front of everyone, and he would NEVER defend me.  He said I was an adult, and if I had a problem, I should take care of it myself.

8.  She would get jealous if we spent time with my family.

9.  She went away for two months before our wedding, only to return 2 days before.

10. She refused to buy a dress for the wedding with anyone except for her son (she wouldn’t even go with her daughter).

11. She refused to come see my wedding gown or ask about the wedding at all.  It made her happier to pretend it wasn’t actually happening. 

12.   She faked depression to make him feel bad and she would pretend to be sick to get more time alone with him. 

13.   She would carry a baby doll and claim it was her child, since now all hers were grown and she was all alone (She was never alone, that house was NEVER empty; I used to call it the halfway house for that very reason). 

14.   The list goes on, and on....

Fatherly Advice

In honor of Father's Day, here are some sound pieces of advice I've found to be true...and something for all brides to consider before taking that leap of faith.  I wish someone had shared these with me before I stumbled down the aisle!!

Happy Father's Day to the best father a girl could wish for...and all the other good dads too <3

Images courtesy of Pinterest :)

Second Chances

It’s almost been a year since my wedding, and the events that unraveled seem like watching someone else’s life.  Everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I remember thinking, “This can’t end well.”  I remember all the problems that arose and telling my then-fiancé, “these are bad omens.”  He would laugh it off, and now I realize that’s because he was preparing to drop the biggest bomb of all.  I should have walked away then.  I should have trusted my feelings.  I think I always knew that he didn’t love me the way I loved him.  I think that’s why I asked him so many times if marriage is what he really wanted, if I was what he really wanted.  It’s not his fault I bought his lies and insincere words – it’s mine.  I should’ve known better than to trust his empty promises.  His actions spoke so much louder than his words, and when he failed to recognize the signs or address the real issue, I should have walked away.  I always gave him a second chance when he asked for one, but he never really deserved one.  He never took advantage or tried to make things right, he never even apologized.  It was always, “If you love me, you’ll forgive me.”  He never deserved a second chance; he didn’t even deserve the first one and he sure as hell never deserved me.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

When I look back on our engagement and our relationship in general, one thing really stands out the most - he was never there.  Yes, there were the occasional events and things we did as a couple, but they were few and far between.  We never spent a holiday long periods of time together, but were content to talk and see each other a few times a week.  There was always a reason, but never a good one, to lead our lives in separate directions.  His excuse was always that we didn’t live together and when we did, it would all change.  I was dumb, and I bought it.  The truth of the matter is, that time would never come.  He was always content to be anywhere else, so long as it wasn’t with me.  He was happy to see me and hear me when he felt the need to, and mostly he didn’t feel it necessary at all.  It wasn’t until much later that I would realize he was happy without me; I wasn’t a necessity, I was a commodity.

"Business Trips"

I often questioned all of the vacations he took alone, but those weren’t the only times he went M.I.A.  The summer after he proposed, and the week we took our engagement photos, he went on a “business trip.”  His business trips always seemed more like vacations than work, but he didn’t see it that way.  In my opinion, if you’re taking your golf clubs with you, it’s a paid vacation, not business.  Moreover, if you take your friend with you, it’s most definitely pleasure, not business. 

Yup, you got it.  He didn’t ask me to go with him because it was “work”, but he had no problem “working” with his friend.  They went sighting seeing together, gambling, spent time on the beach…all while I thought he was away on business. 

My point is – if you can share a room with your friend, you probably could’ve invited your fiancée.  And if you had to hide all of that, then you probably shouldn’t have gotten annoyed when your fiancée felt slighted.  That argument he should have seen coming faster than his mother walking up the aisle at our wedding…Oh wait, he wouldn’t have seen her walking up the aisle, because he wasn’t waiting at the altar in the first place…

Planning Their Wedding

Wedding planning is fun, exciting, frustrating and stressful.  For me, wedding planning was just another battle I fought alone.  He didn’t care about any of the details; he barely cared about the important parts.  His only real interest was getting married in a Church, mostly because it’s what his mother wanted.  He cared very little about anything else; least of all, who would be standing next to him.  I take that back….

He cared about walking his mother down the aisle at all costs.  She downright demanded that he walk her down the aisle, and when we (rather when I) suggested otherwise, she refused to walk into Church with anyone else.  Unable to deny his mother and always concerned for HER feelings, he fought until he got what he wanted.  There is nothing he wouldn’t do to make her happy.  He was content to hurt me and my feelings, so long as he didn’t hurt hers.  I should’ve known then that the woman he really wanted to marry was his mother.  They should have walked up the aisle and right back down together.

The woman never contributed, she just made her demands and complained.  She complained that the Church and hall were too far and her friends would get lost.  She told us to put her and her family up in a hotel for the entire weekend before the wedding, so that she wouldn’t be late.  She replaced everyone in the wedding party on my side with her family.  She even told her granddaughter that she would be my flower girl, and told me to go buy her a dress.  I already had a flower girl, but she didn’t care.  Like her son, all she cared about was herself.  It was her party, and I was just picking up the tab.  It wasn’t my special day, it was theirs.  And just in case I forgot, his siblings actually had the nerve to tell me that on my wedding day.

We’ll come back to that story later….

"So lonely in your company..."

I’ve always been shy, but I never let it hold me back from accomplishing all the things I wanted in life.  I pride myself on being independent and needing very little from others.  I don’t ask for much, and I certainly never asked him for much at all.  I’ve always given much more than I’ve ever asked for in return, but even that was too much for him.  The sad truth is that being in a relationship with him meant learning to be alone.  Everything was on his terms - You talked when he wanted to talk, stopped when he said you were done, and saw him when he wanted to see you (that was usually when he had nothing else to do or got tired of hearing you complain).   He couldn’t make a decision with another human being…aside from his mother…he would make up his mind and I was usually the last to know.  He just didn’t understand how to go through life being accountable to another person.  More importantly, he never wanted to learn. 

So, I learned to take care of myself and I learned not to count on him.  He wasn’t there when I was sick and he wasn’t there when I had surgery.   Nothing was ever serious enough for him to stay with me or call out of work – NOTHING - not even the time I went to the ER after going blind in one eye.  That wasn’t serious enough to stay either.   Instead, he left me home alone to figure out what to do.  My parents and siblings were all away, it was literally just me, but work was still too important.  Yet, I can’t count the number of times he dropped EVERYTHING to be with his mom when she didn’t feel well.  He even cancelled our plans one night, the only night we saw each other that week, to be with his mother when she had a stomach ache.  He literally walked in the door, and walked right back out when she called for him to go home.  She wasn’t alone, she had her entire family with her, but of course, she needed him.  Without so much as a second thought, or an apology, he went. 

I accepted those things not because I liked them, but because he always promised things would change.  He had an excuse for EVERYTHING, and it was rarely ever his fault when things didn’t work out.  I believed his false promises because I believed he loved me.  They all turned out to be false, but I didn’t know that then.  Hope can be a horrible thing; it forces you to hold on to things you should probably just let go.  Hope is almost as delusional as love; at least it was for me.

Follow your gut, not your heart.

There were plenty of signs along the way, most of which I didn’t ignore.  There was never anything that didn’t feel right, that I didn’t bring up.  I would constantly speak up when I saw the red flags.  That wasn’t my mistake, though Mr. Wrong would tell you differently.  I don’t regret standing up for myself, and trying to address things that just didn’t seem right.  I don’t regret fighting for what I truly believed in.  What I do regret is accepting his sorry excuses and pathetic explanations for his actions.  He could turn a situation around on you like it was his day job.  You went from angry to feeling guilty and bad for him in 60 seconds flat.  I’m not by any means a stupid girl, but he knew my weaknesses and he used them to his advantage.  I didn’t ignore the signs; I just always managed to let him convince me I needed glasses. 

Here were some of his favorite lines:

1.       You’re just so insecure and that’s the problem in our relationship.

2.       You haven’t been in enough serious relationship to know how good you have it.

3.       I don’t bother you when you’re having fun with your friends or you’re on vacation.

4.       Don’t judge others by the expectations and standards you set for yourself, no one can live up to them.

5.       You’re too immature to know what an adult relationship is supposed to be like.

My mistake was believing he was right.

Here’s what I really thought:

1.       Ummm, no YOU and your selfish behavior are the problem in our relationship….and let’s not forget your mother.

2.       Clearly being in a ton of serious relationships before didn’t help you at all, since you can’t seem to have a successful one.  And you don’t need to have 20 serious relationships to know what a good one looks like.

3.       I’m sorry, I’m a bother?

4.       They can’t be that high, I’m with you.

5.       Keep reading, you’ll see that I have more maturity in my little finger than he has in his entire body.  He is the definition of cowardice and immaturity. 

My advice: If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.  There are so many things I forgave for love, and so many things I let go to make the relationship work.  In any relationship there are things you have to forgive and let go, but if you’re gut tells you that you love him more than he loves you, and his actions prove what his words fail to mention, believe me, he’s lying to you and to himself.  Don’t sit around and wait for him to figure it out, because by the time he does, it will be too late. 

Follow your heart, but don't ignore your gut - it's always right.

Happy Mother's Day!!

In honor of Mother’s Day, I’ve decided to dedicate this entry to my soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law, on what will be our first, and thankfully last, Mother’s Day.  This letter is dedicated to you on this very special Mother’s Day.

Dear Mrs. _____________,

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! This year I’m giving you your son back, though he was never mine to begin with.  I’m sure this will be the best gift you could ask for, since you kept trying to steal him anyway.  Enjoy! 

I’m sure you’re thrilled to have your adult-child back, and can barely contain your excitement at the mere thought that I’m finally gone.  No more competition, no more fake illnesses, you have his full attention, yet again.  Gone are the days of faking panic attacks, depression, and stomach aches to get him to leave my side.  You can take all of the “extra” forks, plates and cups out of hiding now.  Your son may be blind to your manipulative ways, but I always saw right through you.  Remember the day you threw everything out of the kitchen and just left one of everything because you claimed to be so lonely in that halfway house you call a home?  Or maybe you remember the cruise you asked us for…oh and we bought…for you birthday right after we got engaged?  There was also the time you asked us for a couch for Christmas, when we had nothing in our own little vacant home.  I could go on and on, and on, but I would need a whole new blog just to tell all those stories…..but that’s ok, I will definitely share the best ones here J

I also wanted to thank you for keeping in touch during this difficult time, it’s been greatly appreciated.  Oh wait, you didn’t call.  Thanks for your concern, but I don’t need it anyway.  You deserve the mother of the year award for everything you’ve done.   I hope as you sit around the table celebrating this year, you take a good hard look at everything you’ve created and destroyed.  I hope you’re ashamed, you really should be.  Cheers!

Best wishes,

Bad Decisions

P.S. On a less sarcastic note, I do sincerely thank you for showing me that my mother is worth more than you could ever hope to be.  I always knew I had a great mom, but it wasn’t until I met you that I really understood what a rare gem she really is.

Flight Risk

The man was always a flight risk.  I can’t remember all the trips he took without me while we were together, there were too many occasions to count.  In addition to traveling for work, he enjoyed traveling for fun and he usually enjoyed doing it without me.  We went on a few trips too, usually ones I planned and organized.  Actually, I think he only ever invited me on one trip, but I wasn’t able to go.  From that point on, any time I raised the issue of him traveling alone, it was always, “well you can’t go”.  So, unable to make any personal sacrifices for our relationship, and what became normal for us, he went his way, and I went mine.  The only exceptions to that rule were the trips and plans I made for us.    

I didn’t much mind the time apart, but it always bothered me that once he left, I ceased to exist to him.  He would never call, rarely text, hardly respond.  It was out of sight, out of mind.  I tried to explain that just because he went on vacation, he wasn’t on a break from the relationship.  Yet, he always seemed to treat it like one.  When I pointed it out to him, he would complain that he didn’t bother me when I was away, and all I wanted to do was spoil his fun.   I resented that he felt I was a bother and that it would spoil his fun to remember he was in a relationship when he was away. 

I never really understood why he wouldn’t want to contact me or why he didn’t think about me.  It always seemed strange and  hurtful to me that he was having too much fun to think about me.  I thought about him when I was away, and well, just about every day since we met.  But, as always, he blew it off as “That’s just me... I don’t think about anyone when I’m busy or having fun... I don’t call or text anyone else, but they don’t complain.” 

I guess to him I was just “anyone”.  I tried to explain the difference between everyone else, and me, but it never sunk in.  The only relationship he held in high enough esteem to consider apart from anyone else was his mother.  I wasn’t his mother, so I was just someone else.  It’s an issue that always plagued our relationship, right until the day he walked away.

To him, I’m just somebody else…. And now after tripping and falling on my face all of these things make sense. 

Lesson #201 – Don’t ever expect anything from people, and they will be less likely to disappoint you.

Not long after we got engaged, and just as we began wedding planning, my grandfather passed away.  It was just after the holidays, and a very difficult time for my family – keyword MY family.  Up until that point in my life, I had been pretty fortunate.  Loss wasn’t really a familiar feeling for me, and I suppose I looked to my soon-to-be husband, and even sooner-to-be ex-husband, to be supportive and sympathetic.  After all, he had lost his father not too long before, and I had been there for him.  WRONG!

As always, I was wrong for feeling anything at all.  I was fortunate that my grandfather lived as long as he did, and we “weren’t that close” anyway.  And as always, his pain was worse than mine because HE lost his father, so I shouldn’t really complain since I didn’t understand real loss.

Armed with that wonderful knowledge, we continued our holiday weekend with his family.  He didn’t think it was fair to spend the entire holiday weekend mourning with my family, because it would be rude and mean not to spend it with his too.  Heaven forbid we offend his family with my grief!  So laden with guilt, we went to visit his family.  I cried the whole way over in the car, and made the awful mistake of looking sad.  Rather than feel badly, oh so Mr. Wrong was oh so angry that he didn’t leave me at home because now I was going to ruin his family’s holiday.  So, I wiped my tears, but on a fake smile, and got out of the car. 

I would love to say that I was greeted by sympathetic and caring faces, but I wasn’t.  No one cared, and no one mutter even the slightest word of condolence.  His mother looked me right in the face, and kept on partying, obviously upset that we had gotten there so late in the evening.  He wasn’t even gone two days, and they couldn’t have cared less.  I had done so much for them when their loved one passed, but to this day no one ever acknowledged my loss.  

He always said that I expected far too much from people and that I shouldn’t hold others to the impossibly high standards I hold myself.  He used to say that I shouldn’t expect people to treat me as well as I treat them, and being a good person meant doing things for others and not expecting the same in return.  I suppose he was right.  Expecting people to be decent human beings is asking way too much, and I was only put on this planet to please others.  I’m human, not a martyr…sometimes I like to be treated well too, and I don’t think that makes me a bad person. 

A No-Destination Wedding

I can honestly say that I never actually thought I would find a man I loved enough to marry.  After all, forever is a long time.  I couldn’t ever imagine liking someone enough to want to spend years, let alone forever, with him.  I never felt that marriage was in the cards for me, and I guess, that turned out to be true, just not for the reasons I imagined. 

The fact is, that I did find someone I wanted to spend forever with, he just didn’t want to spend forever with me.  Either way, armed with the misconceived notion that he actually loved me, we began wedding planning.  Actually, I began wedding planning.   As an event planner, I had some idea of what I wanted.  Even though I never thought I would get married, like most girls, I had vague dreams of what it would look like.  What I really wanted was to be surrounded by all of my family, the people that matter most to me.  Only, most of my family lived far away….a place I will not name.

When we finally decided to move forward with wedding planning, I knew I wanted a destination wedding.  Nothing big, or expensive, just a small celebration with all the people WE cared about.  That was my second mistake.  The first was thinking he actually loved me, the second was thinking he gave a damn about those most important to me.  That should have been a deal breaker, but like I said before, he was great at making me feel guilty and saying the right thing in those moments.  He was a damn good liar, and I was a naive fool.   The only people he actually cared about were himself and his family. 

So, when I presented the idea of a destination wedding, and painted what I thought was a picture no sane person would shoot down, he did.  He explained that my wonderful scenario was selfish and unrealistic, but he would entertain it only if we could pay for HIS family to fly and stay there.  His “compromise” didn’t account for my family at all.  They had to pay their own way.  Talk about being UNFAIR!  So again, feeling guilty, and being the unselfish person that I am, I gave up what I wanted for him.  You might think that it was the right thing to do and the only fair solution, and at that particular point in time, I would have agreed.  BUT, you don’t know how this story ends, and I do.  Keep reading and you’ll understand just how unfair things turned out to be for me. 

First Major Sign He Wasn’t Ready for a REAL Relationship

Buying your first home is an exciting moment, it’s a huge moment, and should be shared with someone special.  For me, the moment, as many of the other major moments in my life, was not as exciting as it should have been.  Really, it was one in a long line of disappointments to come. 

I remember how excited I was to close on OUR first home.  It was the first big step in what I thought would be the beginning of a great life together.  I had it all planned out, and it was finally coming together.  I called my then fiancée to make sure he wouldn’t be late, since as always, he was “traveling”.  Much to my surprise, he came home early that morning, and promised to be on-time…but there was a catch.  There was always a catch with him, and that catch was always his mother. 

As most other important moments in our lives, he chose to celebrate them not with me, but with his mother.  He came home early, they had a lovely lunch together to celebrate the occasion, and then they met me at the broker’s office to close on their…errr my….home.  We signed the papers, me livid, he annoyed that I had the nerve to be upset about the surprise guest, and then went our separate ways. He spent the evening with her complaining how awful I was for wanting to share the moment with him, and not his mother, while I sat home alone feeling guilty, disappointed, and angry.  He was more upset that his mother’s feelings were hurt, than mine.  Her feelings always came first and I was always “irrational, immature, and mean.” 

Hell, he was so angry that I upset his mother that he said he regretted buying a home with me in the first place and we should “return it.” It never actually occurred to him that it was our moment and she should have shared it together.  After all, at 22, I didn’t bring my parents who were excitedly waiting at home with cake and champagne to celebrate with us.

I always knew he was a mama’s boy, but it wasn’t until then that I realized “our” moments would never really be ours. I would always come second, at best.  His great life moments were always shared between the two of them, and I would always be on the outside looking in.  He already had a wife, and I felt like the other woman.  She would always be the center of his universe, and I didn’t stand a chance. 

You may wonder why I didn’t just walk away, sometimes I do too.  I always thought that as our relationship grew, I would become more important.  I never wanted to replace her or hurt their relationship.  I stupidly thought that he would realize the difference between a mother and a wife, but as our relationship continued and our wedding grew closer, the lines became increasingly blurred….

Hindsight

They say that hindsight is 20/20, but I think I probably knew it all along.  All of the warning signs I chose to ignore because he always happened to say just what I wanted to hear, or maybe I didn’t want to accept that the wonderful ideas of a happy future were nothing more than ideas, and far from reality.  Looking back, here are some signs I should have noticed along the way.

Top Five Signs He Never Loved You

1.  He leaves for vacation alone 2 months before your wedding.
2.  He tells you a week apart isn’t long enough to miss you.
3.  You have to send him Outlook invites just to request a date.
4.  His idea of spending time together is sitting on the toilet or falling asleep.
5.  He spends his free time with his mother (and just about anything else) instead of you.

If you see any of these signs, RUN. 

The Beginning (or more appropriately, the END)

It’s funny how just when you think you have everything figured out; life steps in and takes it all away.  Maybe you thought you had everything you wanted because you were too afraid to realize you had nothing at all. 

No one played it safer than I did.  There’s not a person more cautious, responsible, or thoughtful.  I did everything the way it’s “supposed to be done” and I got screwed.  So much for tradition and values, in the end the path my life took, wasn’t my decision at all.  I could only stand by and watch it happen, and reflect on where it all went wrong, hence the point of my blog. 

I hope that the Greek tragedy that has become my life holds lessons, and perhaps less suffering for someone else.  I also hope that this reflection will help me understand what I was too blind to see, and maybe find some laughter in all this pain.  If you think My Big Fat Greek Wedding was insane, wait until you follow my road to the altar.  It’s so sad that it’s actually pretty funny…..