"Business Trips"

I often questioned all of the vacations he took alone, but those weren’t the only times he went M.I.A.  The summer after he proposed, and the week we took our engagement photos, he went on a “business trip.”  His business trips always seemed more like vacations than work, but he didn’t see it that way.  In my opinion, if you’re taking your golf clubs with you, it’s a paid vacation, not business.  Moreover, if you take your friend with you, it’s most definitely pleasure, not business. 

Yup, you got it.  He didn’t ask me to go with him because it was “work”, but he had no problem “working” with his friend.  They went sighting seeing together, gambling, spent time on the beach…all while I thought he was away on business. 

My point is – if you can share a room with your friend, you probably could’ve invited your fiancée.  And if you had to hide all of that, then you probably shouldn’t have gotten annoyed when your fiancée felt slighted.  That argument he should have seen coming faster than his mother walking up the aisle at our wedding…Oh wait, he wouldn’t have seen her walking up the aisle, because he wasn’t waiting at the altar in the first place…

Planning Their Wedding

Wedding planning is fun, exciting, frustrating and stressful.  For me, wedding planning was just another battle I fought alone.  He didn’t care about any of the details; he barely cared about the important parts.  His only real interest was getting married in a Church, mostly because it’s what his mother wanted.  He cared very little about anything else; least of all, who would be standing next to him.  I take that back….

He cared about walking his mother down the aisle at all costs.  She downright demanded that he walk her down the aisle, and when we (rather when I) suggested otherwise, she refused to walk into Church with anyone else.  Unable to deny his mother and always concerned for HER feelings, he fought until he got what he wanted.  There is nothing he wouldn’t do to make her happy.  He was content to hurt me and my feelings, so long as he didn’t hurt hers.  I should’ve known then that the woman he really wanted to marry was his mother.  They should have walked up the aisle and right back down together.

The woman never contributed, she just made her demands and complained.  She complained that the Church and hall were too far and her friends would get lost.  She told us to put her and her family up in a hotel for the entire weekend before the wedding, so that she wouldn’t be late.  She replaced everyone in the wedding party on my side with her family.  She even told her granddaughter that she would be my flower girl, and told me to go buy her a dress.  I already had a flower girl, but she didn’t care.  Like her son, all she cared about was herself.  It was her party, and I was just picking up the tab.  It wasn’t my special day, it was theirs.  And just in case I forgot, his siblings actually had the nerve to tell me that on my wedding day.

We’ll come back to that story later….

"So lonely in your company..."

I’ve always been shy, but I never let it hold me back from accomplishing all the things I wanted in life.  I pride myself on being independent and needing very little from others.  I don’t ask for much, and I certainly never asked him for much at all.  I’ve always given much more than I’ve ever asked for in return, but even that was too much for him.  The sad truth is that being in a relationship with him meant learning to be alone.  Everything was on his terms - You talked when he wanted to talk, stopped when he said you were done, and saw him when he wanted to see you (that was usually when he had nothing else to do or got tired of hearing you complain).   He couldn’t make a decision with another human being…aside from his mother…he would make up his mind and I was usually the last to know.  He just didn’t understand how to go through life being accountable to another person.  More importantly, he never wanted to learn. 

So, I learned to take care of myself and I learned not to count on him.  He wasn’t there when I was sick and he wasn’t there when I had surgery.   Nothing was ever serious enough for him to stay with me or call out of work – NOTHING - not even the time I went to the ER after going blind in one eye.  That wasn’t serious enough to stay either.   Instead, he left me home alone to figure out what to do.  My parents and siblings were all away, it was literally just me, but work was still too important.  Yet, I can’t count the number of times he dropped EVERYTHING to be with his mom when she didn’t feel well.  He even cancelled our plans one night, the only night we saw each other that week, to be with his mother when she had a stomach ache.  He literally walked in the door, and walked right back out when she called for him to go home.  She wasn’t alone, she had her entire family with her, but of course, she needed him.  Without so much as a second thought, or an apology, he went. 

I accepted those things not because I liked them, but because he always promised things would change.  He had an excuse for EVERYTHING, and it was rarely ever his fault when things didn’t work out.  I believed his false promises because I believed he loved me.  They all turned out to be false, but I didn’t know that then.  Hope can be a horrible thing; it forces you to hold on to things you should probably just let go.  Hope is almost as delusional as love; at least it was for me.

Follow your gut, not your heart.

There were plenty of signs along the way, most of which I didn’t ignore.  There was never anything that didn’t feel right, that I didn’t bring up.  I would constantly speak up when I saw the red flags.  That wasn’t my mistake, though Mr. Wrong would tell you differently.  I don’t regret standing up for myself, and trying to address things that just didn’t seem right.  I don’t regret fighting for what I truly believed in.  What I do regret is accepting his sorry excuses and pathetic explanations for his actions.  He could turn a situation around on you like it was his day job.  You went from angry to feeling guilty and bad for him in 60 seconds flat.  I’m not by any means a stupid girl, but he knew my weaknesses and he used them to his advantage.  I didn’t ignore the signs; I just always managed to let him convince me I needed glasses. 

Here were some of his favorite lines:

1.       You’re just so insecure and that’s the problem in our relationship.

2.       You haven’t been in enough serious relationship to know how good you have it.

3.       I don’t bother you when you’re having fun with your friends or you’re on vacation.

4.       Don’t judge others by the expectations and standards you set for yourself, no one can live up to them.

5.       You’re too immature to know what an adult relationship is supposed to be like.

My mistake was believing he was right.

Here’s what I really thought:

1.       Ummm, no YOU and your selfish behavior are the problem in our relationship….and let’s not forget your mother.

2.       Clearly being in a ton of serious relationships before didn’t help you at all, since you can’t seem to have a successful one.  And you don’t need to have 20 serious relationships to know what a good one looks like.

3.       I’m sorry, I’m a bother?

4.       They can’t be that high, I’m with you.

5.       Keep reading, you’ll see that I have more maturity in my little finger than he has in his entire body.  He is the definition of cowardice and immaturity. 

My advice: If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.  There are so many things I forgave for love, and so many things I let go to make the relationship work.  In any relationship there are things you have to forgive and let go, but if you’re gut tells you that you love him more than he loves you, and his actions prove what his words fail to mention, believe me, he’s lying to you and to himself.  Don’t sit around and wait for him to figure it out, because by the time he does, it will be too late. 

Follow your heart, but don't ignore your gut - it's always right.

Happy Mother's Day!!

In honor of Mother’s Day, I’ve decided to dedicate this entry to my soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law, on what will be our first, and thankfully last, Mother’s Day.  This letter is dedicated to you on this very special Mother’s Day.

Dear Mrs. _____________,

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! This year I’m giving you your son back, though he was never mine to begin with.  I’m sure this will be the best gift you could ask for, since you kept trying to steal him anyway.  Enjoy! 

I’m sure you’re thrilled to have your adult-child back, and can barely contain your excitement at the mere thought that I’m finally gone.  No more competition, no more fake illnesses, you have his full attention, yet again.  Gone are the days of faking panic attacks, depression, and stomach aches to get him to leave my side.  You can take all of the “extra” forks, plates and cups out of hiding now.  Your son may be blind to your manipulative ways, but I always saw right through you.  Remember the day you threw everything out of the kitchen and just left one of everything because you claimed to be so lonely in that halfway house you call a home?  Or maybe you remember the cruise you asked us for…oh and we bought…for you birthday right after we got engaged?  There was also the time you asked us for a couch for Christmas, when we had nothing in our own little vacant home.  I could go on and on, and on, but I would need a whole new blog just to tell all those stories…..but that’s ok, I will definitely share the best ones here J

I also wanted to thank you for keeping in touch during this difficult time, it’s been greatly appreciated.  Oh wait, you didn’t call.  Thanks for your concern, but I don’t need it anyway.  You deserve the mother of the year award for everything you’ve done.   I hope as you sit around the table celebrating this year, you take a good hard look at everything you’ve created and destroyed.  I hope you’re ashamed, you really should be.  Cheers!

Best wishes,

Bad Decisions

P.S. On a less sarcastic note, I do sincerely thank you for showing me that my mother is worth more than you could ever hope to be.  I always knew I had a great mom, but it wasn’t until I met you that I really understood what a rare gem she really is.

Flight Risk

The man was always a flight risk.  I can’t remember all the trips he took without me while we were together, there were too many occasions to count.  In addition to traveling for work, he enjoyed traveling for fun and he usually enjoyed doing it without me.  We went on a few trips too, usually ones I planned and organized.  Actually, I think he only ever invited me on one trip, but I wasn’t able to go.  From that point on, any time I raised the issue of him traveling alone, it was always, “well you can’t go”.  So, unable to make any personal sacrifices for our relationship, and what became normal for us, he went his way, and I went mine.  The only exceptions to that rule were the trips and plans I made for us.    

I didn’t much mind the time apart, but it always bothered me that once he left, I ceased to exist to him.  He would never call, rarely text, hardly respond.  It was out of sight, out of mind.  I tried to explain that just because he went on vacation, he wasn’t on a break from the relationship.  Yet, he always seemed to treat it like one.  When I pointed it out to him, he would complain that he didn’t bother me when I was away, and all I wanted to do was spoil his fun.   I resented that he felt I was a bother and that it would spoil his fun to remember he was in a relationship when he was away. 

I never really understood why he wouldn’t want to contact me or why he didn’t think about me.  It always seemed strange and  hurtful to me that he was having too much fun to think about me.  I thought about him when I was away, and well, just about every day since we met.  But, as always, he blew it off as “That’s just me... I don’t think about anyone when I’m busy or having fun... I don’t call or text anyone else, but they don’t complain.” 

I guess to him I was just “anyone”.  I tried to explain the difference between everyone else, and me, but it never sunk in.  The only relationship he held in high enough esteem to consider apart from anyone else was his mother.  I wasn’t his mother, so I was just someone else.  It’s an issue that always plagued our relationship, right until the day he walked away.

To him, I’m just somebody else…. And now after tripping and falling on my face all of these things make sense.