Thursday, May 3, 2012

Flight Risk

The man was always a flight risk.  I can’t remember all the trips he took without me while we were together, there were too many occasions to count.  In addition to traveling for work, he enjoyed traveling for fun and he usually enjoyed doing it without me.  We went on a few trips too, usually ones I planned and organized.  Actually, I think he only ever invited me on one trip, but I wasn’t able to go.  From that point on, any time I raised the issue of him traveling alone, it was always, “well you can’t go”.  So, unable to make any personal sacrifices for our relationship, and what became normal for us, he went his way, and I went mine.  The only exceptions to that rule were the trips and plans I made for us.    
I didn’t much mind the time apart, but it always bothered me that once he left, I ceased to exist to him.  He would never call, rarely text, hardly respond.  It was out of sight, out of mind.  I tried to explain that just because he went on vacation, he wasn’t on a break from the relationship.  Yet, he always seemed to treat it like one.  When I pointed it out to him, he would complain that he didn’t bother me when I was away, and all I wanted to do was spoil his fun.   I resented that he felt I was a bother and that it would spoil his fun to remember he was in a relationship when he was away. 
I never really understood why he wouldn’t want to contact me or why he didn’t think about me.  It always seemed strange and  hurtful to me that he was having too much fun to think about me.  I thought about him when I was away, and well, just about every day since we met.  But, as always, he blew it off as “That’s just me... I don’t think about anyone when I’m busy or having fun... I don’t call or text anyone else, but they don’t complain.” 
I guess to him I was just “anyone”.  I tried to explain the difference between everyone else, and me, but it never sunk in.  The only relationship he held in high enough esteem to consider apart from anyone else was his mother.  I wasn’t his mother, so I was just someone else.  It’s an issue that always plagued our relationship, right until the day he walked away.
To him, I’m just somebody else…. And now after tripping and falling on my face all of these things make sense. 

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