Lesson #201 – Don’t ever expect anything from people, and they will be less likely to disappoint you.

Not long after we got engaged, and just as we began wedding planning, my grandfather passed away.  It was just after the holidays, and a very difficult time for my family – keyword MY family.  Up until that point in my life, I had been pretty fortunate.  Loss wasn’t really a familiar feeling for me, and I suppose I looked to my soon-to-be husband, and even sooner-to-be ex-husband, to be supportive and sympathetic.  After all, he had lost his father not too long before, and I had been there for him.  WRONG!

As always, I was wrong for feeling anything at all.  I was fortunate that my grandfather lived as long as he did, and we “weren’t that close” anyway.  And as always, his pain was worse than mine because HE lost his father, so I shouldn’t really complain since I didn’t understand real loss.

Armed with that wonderful knowledge, we continued our holiday weekend with his family.  He didn’t think it was fair to spend the entire holiday weekend mourning with my family, because it would be rude and mean not to spend it with his too.  Heaven forbid we offend his family with my grief!  So laden with guilt, we went to visit his family.  I cried the whole way over in the car, and made the awful mistake of looking sad.  Rather than feel badly, oh so Mr. Wrong was oh so angry that he didn’t leave me at home because now I was going to ruin his family’s holiday.  So, I wiped my tears, but on a fake smile, and got out of the car. 

I would love to say that I was greeted by sympathetic and caring faces, but I wasn’t.  No one cared, and no one mutter even the slightest word of condolence.  His mother looked me right in the face, and kept on partying, obviously upset that we had gotten there so late in the evening.  He wasn’t even gone two days, and they couldn’t have cared less.  I had done so much for them when their loved one passed, but to this day no one ever acknowledged my loss.  

He always said that I expected far too much from people and that I shouldn’t hold others to the impossibly high standards I hold myself.  He used to say that I shouldn’t expect people to treat me as well as I treat them, and being a good person meant doing things for others and not expecting the same in return.  I suppose he was right.  Expecting people to be decent human beings is asking way too much, and I was only put on this planet to please others.  I’m human, not a martyr…sometimes I like to be treated well too, and I don’t think that makes me a bad person. 

A No-Destination Wedding

I can honestly say that I never actually thought I would find a man I loved enough to marry.  After all, forever is a long time.  I couldn’t ever imagine liking someone enough to want to spend years, let alone forever, with him.  I never felt that marriage was in the cards for me, and I guess, that turned out to be true, just not for the reasons I imagined. 

The fact is, that I did find someone I wanted to spend forever with, he just didn’t want to spend forever with me.  Either way, armed with the misconceived notion that he actually loved me, we began wedding planning.  Actually, I began wedding planning.   As an event planner, I had some idea of what I wanted.  Even though I never thought I would get married, like most girls, I had vague dreams of what it would look like.  What I really wanted was to be surrounded by all of my family, the people that matter most to me.  Only, most of my family lived far away….a place I will not name.

When we finally decided to move forward with wedding planning, I knew I wanted a destination wedding.  Nothing big, or expensive, just a small celebration with all the people WE cared about.  That was my second mistake.  The first was thinking he actually loved me, the second was thinking he gave a damn about those most important to me.  That should have been a deal breaker, but like I said before, he was great at making me feel guilty and saying the right thing in those moments.  He was a damn good liar, and I was a naive fool.   The only people he actually cared about were himself and his family. 

So, when I presented the idea of a destination wedding, and painted what I thought was a picture no sane person would shoot down, he did.  He explained that my wonderful scenario was selfish and unrealistic, but he would entertain it only if we could pay for HIS family to fly and stay there.  His “compromise” didn’t account for my family at all.  They had to pay their own way.  Talk about being UNFAIR!  So again, feeling guilty, and being the unselfish person that I am, I gave up what I wanted for him.  You might think that it was the right thing to do and the only fair solution, and at that particular point in time, I would have agreed.  BUT, you don’t know how this story ends, and I do.  Keep reading and you’ll understand just how unfair things turned out to be for me. 

First Major Sign He Wasn’t Ready for a REAL Relationship

Buying your first home is an exciting moment, it’s a huge moment, and should be shared with someone special.  For me, the moment, as many of the other major moments in my life, was not as exciting as it should have been.  Really, it was one in a long line of disappointments to come. 

I remember how excited I was to close on OUR first home.  It was the first big step in what I thought would be the beginning of a great life together.  I had it all planned out, and it was finally coming together.  I called my then fiancée to make sure he wouldn’t be late, since as always, he was “traveling”.  Much to my surprise, he came home early that morning, and promised to be on-time…but there was a catch.  There was always a catch with him, and that catch was always his mother. 

As most other important moments in our lives, he chose to celebrate them not with me, but with his mother.  He came home early, they had a lovely lunch together to celebrate the occasion, and then they met me at the broker’s office to close on their…errr my….home.  We signed the papers, me livid, he annoyed that I had the nerve to be upset about the surprise guest, and then went our separate ways. He spent the evening with her complaining how awful I was for wanting to share the moment with him, and not his mother, while I sat home alone feeling guilty, disappointed, and angry.  He was more upset that his mother’s feelings were hurt, than mine.  Her feelings always came first and I was always “irrational, immature, and mean.” 

Hell, he was so angry that I upset his mother that he said he regretted buying a home with me in the first place and we should “return it.” It never actually occurred to him that it was our moment and she should have shared it together.  After all, at 22, I didn’t bring my parents who were excitedly waiting at home with cake and champagne to celebrate with us.

I always knew he was a mama’s boy, but it wasn’t until then that I realized “our” moments would never really be ours. I would always come second, at best.  His great life moments were always shared between the two of them, and I would always be on the outside looking in.  He already had a wife, and I felt like the other woman.  She would always be the center of his universe, and I didn’t stand a chance. 

You may wonder why I didn’t just walk away, sometimes I do too.  I always thought that as our relationship grew, I would become more important.  I never wanted to replace her or hurt their relationship.  I stupidly thought that he would realize the difference between a mother and a wife, but as our relationship continued and our wedding grew closer, the lines became increasingly blurred….

Hindsight

They say that hindsight is 20/20, but I think I probably knew it all along.  All of the warning signs I chose to ignore because he always happened to say just what I wanted to hear, or maybe I didn’t want to accept that the wonderful ideas of a happy future were nothing more than ideas, and far from reality.  Looking back, here are some signs I should have noticed along the way.

Top Five Signs He Never Loved You

1.  He leaves for vacation alone 2 months before your wedding.
2.  He tells you a week apart isn’t long enough to miss you.
3.  You have to send him Outlook invites just to request a date.
4.  His idea of spending time together is sitting on the toilet or falling asleep.
5.  He spends his free time with his mother (and just about anything else) instead of you.

If you see any of these signs, RUN. 

The Beginning (or more appropriately, the END)

It’s funny how just when you think you have everything figured out; life steps in and takes it all away.  Maybe you thought you had everything you wanted because you were too afraid to realize you had nothing at all. 

No one played it safer than I did.  There’s not a person more cautious, responsible, or thoughtful.  I did everything the way it’s “supposed to be done” and I got screwed.  So much for tradition and values, in the end the path my life took, wasn’t my decision at all.  I could only stand by and watch it happen, and reflect on where it all went wrong, hence the point of my blog. 

I hope that the Greek tragedy that has become my life holds lessons, and perhaps less suffering for someone else.  I also hope that this reflection will help me understand what I was too blind to see, and maybe find some laughter in all this pain.  If you think My Big Fat Greek Wedding was insane, wait until you follow my road to the altar.  It’s so sad that it’s actually pretty funny…..