Secrets, secrets are no fun….

And I was never a part of one! 

Summer brings back so many fond memories of tropical vacations….not mine of course, but my other half’s constant solo trips.  The other day as I sifted through old memories, I found a bracelet from one of his first trips without me.  A sweet little reminder of the time he went away to enjoy a lovely week in the islands with his friends…only his friends never made it.  Turns out, the friend he was meeting was already there.  In fact, he stayed at her house, instead of the hotel I was misled to believe he booked.  It didn’t even occur to him to tell me where he was staying.  Well, in hindsight, I believe it did occur to him, but he purposely left out that small detail.  If you have something to hide, odds are you probably know you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.  He didn’t bother to tell me he would be staying at HER house, while vacationing alone on a tropical island.  Why would he? He’s a man, and didn’t need my permission.  WRONG!  If any man ever tells you that, he’s manipulating you.  You have every right to know and ask, and you have every right to be angry if you’re not comfortable with it.  Don’t ever let any man tell you that your feelings are wrong, or manipulate you into believing you’re jealous and controlling if you think it’s wrong that he’s vacationing “alone” and staying with a “girl friend.”  It’s not about asking for permission, it’s about having respect for your partner, and NEVER let him convince you otherwise.  Remember, if he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, he wouldn’t have waited until he landed to tell you where he was actually staying.  You don’t want to find out that way. 

Normal?

They say that men who treat their mothers well, also treat their wives well.  Don’t fall for it.   While it is true to an extent, be very weary of the mother/son relationship.  In my experience, men who put their mothers on a pedestal often don’t have room for a wife.  There is a HUGE difference between the mother/son relationship, and the husband/wife relationship.  Rest assured, some men don't understand the difference.  I know; I married one!  It’s a losing battle, and you won’t win.  You either resign yourself to accepting the relationship, or you run.  If you’re not on the same page as to what a normal mother/son relationship looks like, don’t even bother.  You can explain it until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t change his mind.  In my relationship, he came first, his mother second, friends third, and I was lucky to come in fourth.  In fact, I was dead last.  I’m pretty sure even laundry had a higher place on the totem pole than I did. 

Here are some scenarios I felt awfully uncomfortable with, but he couldn’t understand why they were wrong.  If you have some of your own, please share!

1. In Church, she would sit beside him and give him back and shoulder rubs.

2. At family events, she would make sure I knew she came first.  She would constantly hug and kiss him, and did everything possible to make me feel uncomfortable.

3. She would spend family holidays sharing stories about his childhood and their amazing relationship (mind you, she has 3 other children).

4. If he was with me, she would always find a way to get him into the other room or away from me.

5. If he made plans with me, instead of her, she would make him feel bad for “abandoning her.” And he would actually cancel plans with me to spend more time with her, even though they LIVED together. 

6. Guilt, guilt, and more guilt.

7. She would “kindly” insult me in front of everyone, and he would NEVER defend me.  He said I was an adult, and if I had a problem, I should take care of it myself.

8.  She would get jealous if we spent time with my family.

9.  She went away for two months before our wedding, only to return 2 days before.

10. She refused to buy a dress for the wedding with anyone except for her son (she wouldn’t even go with her daughter).

11. She refused to come see my wedding gown or ask about the wedding at all.  It made her happier to pretend it wasn’t actually happening. 

12.   She faked depression to make him feel bad and she would pretend to be sick to get more time alone with him. 

13.   She would carry a baby doll and claim it was her child, since now all hers were grown and she was all alone (She was never alone, that house was NEVER empty; I used to call it the halfway house for that very reason). 

14.   The list goes on, and on....

Fatherly Advice

In honor of Father's Day, here are some sound pieces of advice I've found to be true...and something for all brides to consider before taking that leap of faith.  I wish someone had shared these with me before I stumbled down the aisle!!

Happy Father's Day to the best father a girl could wish for...and all the other good dads too <3

Images courtesy of Pinterest :)

Second Chances

It’s almost been a year since my wedding, and the events that unraveled seem like watching someone else’s life.  Everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I remember thinking, “This can’t end well.”  I remember all the problems that arose and telling my then-fiancé, “these are bad omens.”  He would laugh it off, and now I realize that’s because he was preparing to drop the biggest bomb of all.  I should have walked away then.  I should have trusted my feelings.  I think I always knew that he didn’t love me the way I loved him.  I think that’s why I asked him so many times if marriage is what he really wanted, if I was what he really wanted.  It’s not his fault I bought his lies and insincere words – it’s mine.  I should’ve known better than to trust his empty promises.  His actions spoke so much louder than his words, and when he failed to recognize the signs or address the real issue, I should have walked away.  I always gave him a second chance when he asked for one, but he never really deserved one.  He never took advantage or tried to make things right, he never even apologized.  It was always, “If you love me, you’ll forgive me.”  He never deserved a second chance; he didn’t even deserve the first one and he sure as hell never deserved me.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

When I look back on our engagement and our relationship in general, one thing really stands out the most - he was never there.  Yes, there were the occasional events and things we did as a couple, but they were few and far between.  We never spent a holiday long periods of time together, but were content to talk and see each other a few times a week.  There was always a reason, but never a good one, to lead our lives in separate directions.  His excuse was always that we didn’t live together and when we did, it would all change.  I was dumb, and I bought it.  The truth of the matter is, that time would never come.  He was always content to be anywhere else, so long as it wasn’t with me.  He was happy to see me and hear me when he felt the need to, and mostly he didn’t feel it necessary at all.  It wasn’t until much later that I would realize he was happy without me; I wasn’t a necessity, I was a commodity.