The Hangover Part III

Though I haven't quite gotten to this point in the story yet, I can't quite help but remember what this weekend means.  Just a little teaser of what lies ahead...

Happy Labor Day weekend everyone! 

It's Not Me, It's You

Relationship advice is full of contradictions.  Some relationship articles will tell you that failing to take responsibility for one’s actions is a huge red flag.  Meanwhile, turn the page and the next article explains that no one is perfect, and relationships are a constant work in progress, so stand by your man.  With so many contradictory pieces of advice, it’s hard to know which to believe.  I believe there is a saying for every situation, and that is the most confusing part about choosing which advice to take.  Unfortunately, this means we often have to live through situations in order to look back and decide which advice we should’ve taken.    

Example: A few months before the wedding, Mr. Wrong dropped our brand new couch off a truck and onto moving traffic on the highway (yes, this is a true story).

My response: Seriously?!  You seriously dropped my couch on the highway? Why would you pick up a couch on an open-bed truck and NOT properly secure it.  No, really? WHY?!

His response: I can’t believe you’re angry, you should be thankful I’m ok!

Me: Clearly you’re ok, you’re on the phone talking to me… unlike my couch scattered all over the highway!! Why?  Because he couldn’t be bothered to pay attention or take the 5 extra minutes (or $20 extra dollars) to secure the couch when he could be out playing sports instead... and because he ignored my advice to have it delivered.

The problem with this scenario, and so many others, is that he never took responsibility for his actions.  It was always someone else’s fault; his actions were merely a reaction to MY actions, and so on.  He never sad, "I was wrong, I’m sorry", or "that was mean, I’m sorry for saying that".  No, it was always I said this because you said this first.  Oh, ok, we’re in the first grade, I forgot.  No matter what the situation, it was always my fault HE messed up, and to make matters worse he never failed to make me feel guilty for how I felt.  Yes, perhaps I should have been thankful, but maybe he could have been CAREFUL too.   

The problem with men that don’t take responsibility for their actions is that they’re usually also manipulative and immature.  If you find yourself in this situation, forget every piece of relationship advice you’ve ever heard.  It will lead you nowhere, I promise.  Don’t stand by your man, or any of that other crap.  Yes, relationships are hard work and no one is perfect, but take it from someone who’s been there – If he can’t take responsibility for his actions, you’re in this relationship alone…and it does take two to tango (see, like I said, there's a saying for every situation).    

Wisdom…or Lack Thereof!

As wedding planning continued, my life plan continued to wander off course.  It wasn’t a major distraction, but a little unexpected bump in the road when I already had one million things going on – school, work, wedding planning, etc…. Nevertheless, one week before starting my new job and a few short months before the wedding, I finally had my wisdom teeth removed.  It wasn’t the most convenient timing, but I remember the surgeon saying, “It's better to do it now, than to have this ruin your wedding day or honeymoon.”  Not being able to stand the thought that something could potentially ruin my big day, I went for it.  “Nothing is going to stand it my way”, I thought, “Take them out now!!”  …And with my teeth, whatever wisdom they carried was removed too. 

I wish I had the foresight to tell my doctor that my teeth weren’t the cause of my disastrous wedding day, far from it!  I would’ve gladly dealt with that pain, in comparison to the blow I actually received.  Despite all my efforts to prevent the perfect storm, I couldn’t.  I removed every foreseeable caution, including a few annoying teeth, but I had no clue that would prove to be the least of my worries.  In hindsight, I realize, there were signs during the experience that should’ve predicted our future.  But, who am I kidding?  I was too doped up to notice that my fiancée didn’t bother to visit me the whole week I was home recovering.  I should have, but I didn’t. 

Goodbye teeth….goodbye wisdom….hello bad decision and poor judgment! 

The Wedding Party

It’s occurred to me that my last few posts have wandered away from the wedding timeline.  I suppose that’s because I’ve been too wrapped up in the present; so, let’s get back to the story.  We rejoin my wedding misadventure at the bridal party debacle! 

American tradition dictates that the bridal party is one of the most important parts of a wedding; it’s right up there with the guest list.  In my culture, there is no bridal party - similar to English tradition, only children precede the bride up the aisle.  So when it came time to choose a bridal party, I didn’t really feel the need to have one.  I, of course, lost this battle…like most battles.  My future ex-husband absolutely had to have one, so I agreed.  A small price to pay, right?  Wrong, AGAIN.  It was more drama than I care to remember, and yet so fitting given the outcome of that entire experience. 

Mr. Wrong chose his groomsmen, and I chose my girls.  Together, we chose the remaining important figures – ring bearer, flower girl, and readers.  It was, what I thought, the perfect balance between his family and mine.  Both sides were equally represented and everyone was included in some way throughout the ceremony -- vital mistake.  I forgot that for my future ex, his family was twice as important as mine and therefore, the equation was not truly balanced.  I had too many people in the wedding party, at least that’s what his mother convinced him.  And so, she proceeded to remove all of my family members from the wedding party and replace them with her own.  She all but removed me from the bridal party…I think that was probably her goal!

She replaced my flower girl for her granddaughter, who was literally taller than me!  My 8 year-old ring bearer was replaced by her 13 year-old grandson, the height of my 6’ tall groom.  The readers we had both chosen were also replaced, and of course she changed the processional to include her walk down with aisle MY husband.  I tried to politely explain that WE had already made our decisions and invited each person to participate in the wedding and it was too late to change.  Did she care?  NOPE.  Instead she insisted that it wasn’t that big a deal, and that I should just by her granddaughter a dress, flowers, etc. and surrender.  To make matters worse, she had already told her granddaughter that she would be the flower girl, only to make me feel like a bigger b****.  Did Mr. Wrong care or interject at any point?  NOPE.  Why?  He would rather upset me than his mother.  He insisted she should have what she wanted.  I should’ve just walked away and let them have their dream wedding without me.  Now I realize it’s what they wanted all along, but I didn’t.  I stayed and fought, convinced that good relationships are about compromise.  I compromised a lot, mostly myself, for someone that never seemed to understand it’s not a compromise if I’m the only one constantly making them.  In the end, I claimed the victory for this battle, but I most definitely lost the war. 

Bad Decision – 1, Mr. Wrong – 200.      

In Love with a Robot

I read a lot of articles, and I do mean A LOT of articles, on a daily basis.  Many of them are pretty similar, with a sentence of two of good advice.  On rare occasions, such as this one, I find an article that hits so incredibly close to home, I could've written in myself.  The article below is one of them.  So I thought I would share it instead of posting today because it's basically my story in someone else's very eloquent words.  Enjoy!

http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2012/04/16/gaslighting-by-omission/

Great Expectations

I’ve always been one to believe that anything worth having doesn’t come easy, and the best things in life are worth fighting for.  In fact, that was the central thought behind my relationship and why I put up with as much as I did.  I don’t believe in perfection, but I do believe in striving for it.  My soon-to-be ex-husband would tell you that nothing is ever good enough for me, but that’s not true.  I’m sadly very easily satisfied, but I don’t accept less if I know something can be better.  I expected the same in my relationship.  Why settle for mediocrity when you know you can have greatness?  The problem is, you can’t expect greatness from someone that cares about nothing.  Well, I suppose that’s a harsh generalization.  Mr. Wrong didn’t care about nothing; he just didn’t care about anything related to me.  He certainly cared a lot about himself, his mom, his friends, and having a good time at all costs.  And in the end, it cost him a lot.  But again, he couldn’t be bothered to care about that either. 

The point is – the picture above is right.  Don’t let others tell you that your expectations are too high.  They’re only telling you because they’re either not capable or willing to meet them.  As my great friend always says, “It’s in setting your standards too low that you get less than what you deserve.” 

Passive Aggressive?

As I sat down, thinking about which soap opera event occurred next, I was reminded of a question my brother recently asked me – “Was he passive.”  It took me a minute to answer his question, as it had never actually occurred to me to describe him that way.  Mind you, I’ve used lot of words to describe him, but that’s one characteristic I was completely unaware of until my brother brought it to my attention.  In reflecting on the relationship, and doing a little research (like the nerd I am), I came upon this great article that described the “passive aggressive male” far better than I ever could, and coincidentally it describes Mr. Wrong, oh so right!

Enjoy the article, and if you happen upon the passive aggressive male, observe him in his natural environment, but don’t ever put your hand in the cage.